We start with the big breaking gossip that Stoke will have to pay £10m if they want to take Tom Ince from Huddersfiel–
Ach, let’s try that one again.
It’s another fresh start at Chelsea. If Thibaut Courtois leaves for Real Madrid, Maurizio Sarri will replace him with AC Milan goalkeeper Gianluigi Donnarumma. At the age of 19, with potentially 20 years left in his career, Donnarumma is Sarri’s gift to his first 12 successors as Chelsea manager.
Sarri is also peering inquisitively over the top of his glasses at the Juventuspair of Daniele Rugani and Gonzalo Higuaín. But Willian wants to leave Chelsea, which is why José Mourinho hasn’t been able to sit still for the next week.
Across Manchester, popular fashionista Pep Guardiola will sell Raheem Sterling if he has not agreed a new contract by the end of the season. Sterling’s contract expires in 2020 and the parsimonious Manchester club won’t allow anyone to run down a contract.
In other news, Arsène Wenger might be going back to the past: he will be offered the job as manager of Japan, where he spent two happy years with Nagoya Grampus Eight before joining Arsenal and giving some ungrateful sods the happiest moments of their miserable lives.
Wenger’s successor, Unai Emery, will continue Operation: Deadwood by selling Danny Welbeck, David Ospina and Lucas Pérez. Everton, who signed Theo Walcott last season, are interested in welcoming Welbeck to their retirement community.
In further news, Wilfried Zaha has asked to leave Crystal Palace, who want £70m for his considerable services. Marco Silva and Mauricio Pochettino are scrambling for the opportunity to analyse his signature.
Spurs are also keen on Anthony Martial, whose relationship with Jose Mourinho has gone from worse to even worse in the last six months.
Finally, here’s the all-new Guardian Rumour Videprinter with all the gossip that we snobbishly deemed unworthy of its own paragraph: Leicester will sign Liverpool keeper Danny Ward for £12.5m … Sheffield United want to break their transfer record to buy lively lump Martyn Waghorn from Ipswich… Valencia want to take Manchester United’s Timothy Fosu-Mensah on loan with a view to something more permanent, more meaningful, more profound, in a year’s time … Fulham have bought a one-way ticket from Espanyol for midfielder David López … Stoke want Tom Ince (Huddersfield), James Chester (Aston Villa) and James McClean (West Brom) … and Wolvesare keen on Middlesbrough’s human F1 car Adama Traore.